There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
