In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
