Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Randomize
