I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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