She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
sarcasm needs its own font
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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