i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
