are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
