Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
