You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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