I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
sarcasm needs its own font
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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