I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
