Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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