I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
