There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
