I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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