my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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