that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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