i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
