Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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