i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
