I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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