so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
