new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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