Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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