Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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