You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
