I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
