Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
