i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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