I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
