So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
