Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
