Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
