He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
