Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
