Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
