Umm I'm too high to move.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
