my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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