This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
