Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
His nipple licking is glorious
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