After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
