between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
