I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
