Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
