To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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