Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
