My first STD was from a foam party
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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