she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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