Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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