totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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