Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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