Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
