you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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